Pacman and the Taxman By Perry Diaz (California)
Tuesday, April 10, 2012 03:14:46 PM
AFTER SEVERAL months of trying to interview Manny ďPacmanĒ Pacquaio, my perseverance finally paid off Ė he returned my call! Our conversation went as follows:
Pacman: Hello, Perry. This is Manny.
Perry: Oh, hello, Manny, what a pleasant surprise! How are you?
Pacman: I had better days. I feel like Iím being crucified!
Perry: Well, itís Holy WeekÖ it's time to be penitent for a lot of people.
Pacman: Penitent? No way Iím going to the penitentiary!
Perry: You donít have to go to the penitentiary to be penitent for your sins.
Pacman: My sins!!! Iíve been holier than most people. God even talks to me!
Perry: Thatís what the midnight chief justice said, too. He said heís been communicating with God. Thatís why he has a Mass in front of the Supreme Court every morning.
Pacman: Hoy, donít compare me to that midnight cowboy; I pay my taxes for every penny I earn and I declare my properties and bank accounts in my Statement of Assets, Liabilities, and Net Worth.
Perry: You paid taxes to the U.S. for every penny you earned but not to the Philippines for every centavo you brought home, right? According to the Bureau of Internal Revenue you paid P125 million in taxes in 2008 but you only paid P7 million in 2009.
Pacman: Why should I pay taxes to the Philippine government when I already pay taxes to Uncle Sam? Thatís triple taxation. Paying two taxes is bad enough!
Perry: Huh? To whom do you pay other taxes?
Pacman: Well, Jinkee gets half my earnings. Thatís taxation without resurrection!
Perry: So your wife gets half, ha? Why not? She gave you four beautiful children and promised you eight more. HeheheÖ.
Pacman: Iím thinking of having valedictomy after three more babies. I like Ďseven.í Itís my payborit number. I play it in jueteng all the time. HeheheÖ
Perry: Valedictomy? Oh, you mean, vasectomy, right?
Pacman: Same thing, same thing.
Perry: Do you know that vasectomy is another form of birth control and therefore it is a mortal sin among Catholics? Didnít God tell you that when you talked to Him?
Pacman: WellÖ uhÖ yes, we talked about it and God said that I might consider cebilacy instead of valedecÖ I mean, vasectomy.
Perry: Cebilacy? What is that???
Pacman: Cebilacy... you knowÖ no moreÖ uhÖ playingÖ ahÖ in bed. You know.
Perry: Oh, you mean, celibacy! No more s-e-x, right? Look, there is nothing wrong with celibacy if you donít want any more babies.
Pacman: Now, Iím troubled. I donít know what to do.
Perry: I think youíre getting old. Donít you think itís time to retire from boxing? From what I heard, Floyd Mayweather Jr. has just dethroned you as the No. 1 pound-for-pound champion. And Floyd is bragging that heís better than you.
Pacman: Youíre right. Actually, God told me to retire. Maybe I should retire after my fight with Tim Bradley.
Perry: Then what?
Pacman: I have a grand plan, my friend. Youíre the first to know and I hope youíll be my first convert!
Perry: Grand plan? Me, your first convert?
Pacman: Yes! Iíll build my own church. Iíll call it the Church of Everlasting Life and Happiness. I want you to be my first disciple, my friend.
Perry: Whoa! Hold it, pal! Iím not going join any church without knowing what itís all about!
Pacman: Well, itís a church where members arenít going to pay taxes to the government. Everything you earn will be tax-exempt. Tax-free! You canít beat that!
Perry: Thatís not possible, Manny. If there are two sure things in life, itís death and taxes.
Pacman: Death? Thatís why I called it Church of Everlasting Life and Happiness because once you become a member of my church; your soul is guaranteed to go to Heaven.
Perry: And how do you avoid paying taxes?
Pacman: All members will donate their earnings to the Church so they will not pay taxes.
Perry: But how will the members survive if they donate all their earnings to your church?
Pacman: My Church will provide everything that the members need in life.
Perry: HmmÖ That sounds like Communism to me, Manny.
Pacman: Well, the difference is that communists are atheists Ė they donít believe in God. We do. Weíre all children of God. Weíre Godís chosen people.
Perry: I thought the Jews were Godís chosen people?
Pacman: Their God is different from ours. Ours is the real one.
Perry: Manny, youíve got to be dreaming. Where did you get all these weird ideas?
Pacman: From God.
Perry: Ay naku, maloloko ako!
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real characters are coincidental. This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)